Why Frogs?

by Randi Hacker

Frogs are everywhere: arcades, homes, swamps, high school labs. And now frogs have managed to get themselves on TV as well. A plague of frogs is upon us. Not since biblical times have frogs enjoyed the notoriety they are presently enjoying in the video game format.

First came Frogger, a delightful little game in which you steered a frog across a road and a stream while avoiding street and river traffic. Almost immediately, everybody was jumping on the frogwagon and we were deluged with a plague of Frog Pond (Atari), Frogs and Flies (M Network) and Frog Bog (Intellivision). Let us now analyze in the strictest scientific terminology the reasons for this Frogmania. Why frogs?

Frogs Are Fun

First of all, there’s nothing like a frog if you’re looking for a good time. They’re the kind of Good Time Charlies that will eat flies even if they’re not drunk. You can usually call a frog up at the last minute and more likely than not, he’ll hop on the next bus or call a cab and be down to boogie in a flash. Frogs don’t stand on ceremony. If anything, they stand on lily pads.

Throughout history, frogs have been the life of the party. In ancient Egypt, for example, frogs displayed their already highly developed sense of humor by raining on Cairo. This was very funny. Millions of them falling from the sky. There is nothing quite as funny as a dead frog squashed between your toes, except perhaps for a live frog. Of all the animals on the evolutionary ladder, only the frogs could think up this gag. Not even the cats and dogs, although they got the credit for it. A week later, the same frogs opened at Lake Tahoe with David Brenner.

Women love frogs. It was one clever frog that first said, “A wicked witch has put a spell on me. If you will kiss me, I’ll turn back into a prince.” What a line. Imagine what is said in frog locker rooms after a night of duping gullible sap princesses into performing untold unnatural frog acts.

It is no wonder then, that frogs have come to have such a fun reputation. If real frogs can be such fun, it stands to reason that video frogs would be the next evolutionary step. Let us now trace that evolution.

The Evolution of Frogs

Millions and millions of years ago, there were no frogs. Then, slowly, over the course of thousands of years, frogs evolved. Today. there are many frogs. That just about sums up frog evolution. Frogs haven’t changed much since the beginning of time. This is convenient. All frogs can wear the same suits and shoes.

The evolution of the video frog is very similar. First there was no television. Then there were lots of televisions. Then there were frogs on television. All video frogs do not wear the same size cartridges. Nor do they wear pants or clothes of any sort, preferring to stroll around stark naked and display their disgusting private frog parts for all to see (see diagram of nude frog).

The Future of Frogs

What is the future of video frogs? Do they, in fact, have a future or are they destined to be replaced by some other amphibian? Will we soon see games such as “Salamander Attack” or Newter?”

We say no. The frog-induced state is still in its infancy.

This is only the beginning for video frogs. Video game designers have barely scratched the surface of the incredible potential that is frogs. Up until now, it has been jump and eat, jump and eat. Just because one frog somewhere in the past made the mistake of eating a fly while some scientist was watching, must all frogs, video and otherwise, suffer? After the long and colorful history of frogs, they certainly deserve better than to just eat flies and get hit by cars. The time is now to stand up and show your support for this growing and vital cause. Make frogs, not war. Thank you.


By now you’re probably asking yourself, “What, if any, differences are there between video frogs and real frogs?” This is the question we will attempt to answer here.

Evolutionarily speaking. video frogs have it all over real frogs. Video frogs are drier, more compact and don’t smell three weeks after they die. Real frogs, on the other hand, may be fooled into thinking it’s winter by putting them in the refrigerator. Each group has its little advantages and disadvantages. A more detailed list of differences follows:

* Video frogs, in general, have better graphics.

* Video frogs don’t die if you forget to feed them.

* Video frogs have eliminated the messy tadpole stage, going from chip to adult with no in-between stages.

* A good French restaurant will not carry video frog’s legs.

* You can’t keep video frogs in an aquarium. The cartridge will sink to the bottom. This is boring.

* Video frogs have about 8K of memory.

* If you kiss a video frog, it won’t turn into a prince. On the other hand, it is drier.

* Real frogs are fun to put in people’s sandwiches.

* Real frogs don’t come with a 90-day limited parts and labor warranty.

* Real frogs have no reset button. If your real frog can’t cross the road, too bad.

* If you try to play with a real frog on your TV set, it will just make a big mess.

* Real frogs forget everything. Tell a real frog its name and five minutes later when you ask, it won’t remember.

* When you purchase a real frog, you don’t have to check to see if it’s Intelllvlslon-compatlble.

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